#0 · Aug 16, 2002, 14:04 · Tisha

Folks, I don't know what to do.

I've been offered a promotion 350 miles away (NASA).  It's the perfect job, doing exactly what I'm doing today, only for more money. http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile_cool.gif" border=0>  My office would be right next door to the wind tunnels. http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile_big.gif" border=0>   Langley Research Center is 10 miles away from my boyfriend's house, which overlooks a small lake and the 8th green of the local country club. http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile_tongue.gif" border=0>

Compare that to my situation now:  Dead-end job. Freakin' New Jersey.  My ex lives down the street.  His mother lives behind my house.  I'm barely keeping my head above water financially.  I've got no family here, no connectons. http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile_dead.gif" border=0>

OK, so what's the problem?  My ex and I share custody of my beautiful 10 year old daughter.  Right now she can walk back and forth between our homes, and she basically lives a cushy life, with Grandma right there. Taking this new job means I'll either be taking her away from her school, her friends, her Grandma, and her dad (for part of the year).  If the Law does not allow me to take her out of the state, I will only be able to see her during the summers (my ex has "conceded" three months to me).

I'm a wreck.  I turned down this job a few weeks ago, and felt pretty depressed.  Now they are asking me to rethink my decision.

I know that if I turn this job down for good, I will lose my boyfriend of almost 4 years.  Nevermind what he says, if I don't join him soon, our relationship will not survive much longer (on his end), my oracles (tarot, runes, etc) are very clear on this.  Unfortunately the oracles don't seem to give a S&%$ whether I take this job or not.  It's all the same to them.

Augh!  What would you do, given this situation?

Tisha

"As Above, So Below"

#1 · Aug 16, 2002, 15:07 · cainam_nazier

Ask your kid.  She probably knows you better than you think.  Ask how she would feel.  Children have some wonderful insights to life.

And if all else fails....Flip a coin and let fate deside.

David Rogalski
cainam_nazier@hotmail.com
I am he who walks in the light but is masked by the shadows.
http://www.prepaidliving.com/vip/David127385

#2 · Aug 16, 2002, 15:26 · jilola

I second Cainam.
And don't wonder about the law issue ask the Law what you can actually do and take that variable out of the equation.

2 cents

jouni

#3 · Aug 17, 2002, 01:51 · Frank

Prime consideration for me would be the welfare of the child.

She is old enough to understand the situation (so she'll comprehend why you are not around a lot of the time) and, from what you say, she'll be well looked after: in the event she has to stay.

Next consideration is yourself, and that means taking the job.

As for the boyfriend, it sounds (from what you say) like he's probably going to be history soon anyway so he doesn't figure IMO.

Yours,
Frank

#4 · Aug 17, 2002, 03:45 · James S

Ask your daughter what she wants for you. There is a lot that she won't understand about the situation, but she should know that her opinion is important to you.

Children adapt to situations far better than we do, especially at this age. There are always tears, upset and anger at first, but as they form new routines, this fades rather quickly, and soon becomes just the way it is. You will probably find that the happier you are, the happier you're daughter will be.

I now live about 540 miles away from my two children. They were 9 and 11 when I divorced. The good side to this is that they are now emotionally so much better than during the last years of my marriage.

James S
(Fate amenable to change)

#5 · Aug 17, 2002, 12:59 · andy

All good advice above and im with you James.

As for your situation Tisha what I suggest is that you follow the path that leads to a better lifestyle,it is not a selfish choice should you choose the job.
Your duaghter is in good hands and for that reason id take the job knowing that in time all would come around with understanding and happieness for the both of you.

BTW I speak from experience,my two beautiful daughters 9&12 live in California while I reside in the north east of Québec,Canada.My kids were sad at first and so was I but but theres no life for me should I move back there and being that I part time internationaly travel evey year,it made more sense for them to be with ex-family.A bummer indeed but this way they could remain stable in school and with friends exct.They both understand this and are very happy! ( we speak every week,vist once a year and im always sending them packages)

P.S you should be so lucky that your living only 350 miles away.On a long weekend you can hopp in your car vist them within 4 hours.Wish I could say the same.

Peace!

#6 · Aug 19, 2002, 00:01 · Ashfo

I have been in a very similar situation.

My parents split, my mum had a partner about 800k odd away and had lived in Dunedin for 2 years after the marriage broke so we could see both parents lots and keep our old friends etc. She was working in an average job but could do much better with her partner.

About 3 years ago she moved, I came with her, my oldest brother was leaving to go to university and my middle brother stayed for the last 2 years of his schooling in Dunedin.

It was the right thing to do. I am glad I did it, I couldn't imagine how I would feel if simply because of me my mum had stayed in Dunedin, broken up with her partner and continued with her average job just for my sake.

I actually think it would be good for your daughter if she moved.. it actually helps her social skills and she would most likely look back favorably on your choice in the long run (because of having more money when shes older etc).

I moved the year going into high school and this helped alot... lots of people didnt know many others and it was easier to make friends, but at age 10 I think she wont find it a big problem.

I might not have much old wisdom, but I think you should do it :)

- Ashfo

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"You are First Cause. You are a portion of the great energy. And you, yourselves are thought manifestations of what you think you are."
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#7 · Aug 19, 2002, 01:06 · PeacefulWarrior

If I were the cild I would be thinking: "What is more important to my mom, her boy friend and job, or me, her baby?"

fides quaerens intellectum

#8 · Aug 19, 2002, 09:17 · WalkerInTheWoods

All I can say is GET OUT OF NEW JERSEY!

#9 · Aug 19, 2002, 11:41 · Frank

Two cannibals having dinner, guest says to his host:
"Your wife sure makes good soup."
"Yeah, but I'm gonna miss her."

Yours,
Frank

#10 · Aug 19, 2002, 14:19 · Shayde

Ask her, thats the best advice, but remember there are opertunities for your daughter there too. Opertunities to make new friends. To learn about a different area.   ect. ect.

When my mother had to move because of a similar reason I hated it, but in the long run it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

[ :P ]

To many stars, not enough sky.

#11 · Aug 20, 2002, 04:22 · clandestino

Speak to your child about your dilemma....as long as she doesn't feel that she is the one making a choice for you (cos she'll obviously say "stay mum") then I reckon you'll make some headway.

I hope there is a happy ending to this one ! (im sure there will be)

#12 · Aug 20, 2002, 08:04 · Tisha

Folks, I am so grateful for everyone's feedback and opinions.  Right now, legally things don't look too good for me . . . If I go, I will have to go without her.  I don't know if I can take that.  It is very sad.  I try not to think about it but it appears I am going to have to turn down this job.

Will I spend eternity in this godforsaken place, bound to my ex (and his mother, behind my house), unable to make a new life for myself?  Am I going to lose my boyfriend of four years (the relationship has been very good)?   Do I have to narrow my range of partner choices to within a 30 mile radius of my New Jersey home (ew!)?   No, but it sure feels like it.  It's hard not to feel so negative about this.    I'd go sit at a bar and get drunk, but it's just not my style.

Thanks again, everyone.

Tisha

"As Above, So Below"

#13 · Aug 20, 2002, 14:17 · WalkerInTheWoods

quote:
Originally posted by Tisha:

Will I spend eternity in this godforsaken place, bound to my ex (and his mother, behind my house), unable to make a new life for myself?
Rarely in life do we get to have everything the way we want it. You have been given the change to make a new life, but you are not willing to leave your current life behind. When you are ready to move on then you will find this new life that you seek. Yes it will be difficult leaving your daughter so far away, but it is not like you are leaving her for good. You will still get to see her. On long weekends 350 miles is an easy drive. And your daughter will probably want to come see you on her vacations as well as you going to her on yours. And one thing to consider, in a few years your daughter will be wanting to find her self and her independence. She will not be wanting to spend as much time with you (sorry that is just life). Just some things to consider.

You should look within and see what it is that you really want, and what you are really willing to change to get it.

#14 · Aug 23, 2002, 00:35 · ralphm

Tisha,after reading your posts sounds it sounds like you really want to stay in New Jersy and be miserable! Get out!

#15 · Sep 04, 2002, 05:49 · WalkerInTheWoods

I once read, and I cannot recall where, that you should not move, change jobs, or really make any kind of major change in your life if you are not atleast content with your current situation. Why? Becaust it is very possible that it is not your job, house, etc that is making you unhappy but more likely it is something within yourself that is causing the unhappiness. It is only on the surface that it appears that it is your job or whatever and by changing to something new it may appear that you are more happy at first because of the newness. But if it is something within, you will not be happy no matter where you go, what job your have, or whatever change you make. So if you are unhappy you should look within to see what is wrong and fix it. Once you have atleast found contentment within your life you will be in a better position to make decisions that will actually better your life. I hope this helps.

#16 · Sep 04, 2002, 22:25 · Chamos

http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile_big.gif" border=0> I was in this situation a couple of years ago. My dad got a job offer here after divorcing mom, who was making us all miserable. Dad wanted to leave to be able to get more money to support himself after the split and his main concern was me and his grandson, my nephew. I wanted to get out of there because of problems with kids in school that my family never knew about till the last minute, and several suicide atempts. So I wanted to leave, and my nephew would've had to stay with his half-sister and his parents anyway, who are definately old enough to live on their own, so it wasn't really a problem after talking about it.

Ask your daughter, maybe she wants to leave, maybe she wants to stay. Does it really matter as long as you both are happy?

Leslie-Ann "Chamos Hellstone" Cho

#17 · Sep 05, 2002, 10:05 · Tisha

Hi - - I thank everyone for their thoughts on this subject.  I've decided to stay in New Jersey for now and enjoy every moment I can with my daughter.  She started 5th grade today, she was so cute and I was so proud of her, all dressed up.  She's started many changes (including the training bra, AUGH!), and I know I have to be here for her at this important time in her life.

As for the boyfriend . . . I figure, if things are meant to be, they will work out.  Nothing worth having is obtained easily.  And, sorry, but no man is worth giving up my daughter.  I think I knew this all along, but I suffered from such wishful thinking that I was blind to what the Law was telling me, in plain black-and-white:  that if I was going, I was going without her.

As for my present job, it's not what I want to be doing, but at least I am good at it, and I'm paid a decent salary (in THIS economy, my financial situation is nothing to sneeze at!).  I will be grateful and continue to do the best that I can.

In the mean time, I am fixing up my house, maximizing its value so that when it comes time to sell, I can make a tidy profit.  This weekend:  spackling and painting.  I also need to build a closet, to turn my 3-bedroom into a 4-bedroom.  Now THIS will be a challenge to keep my mind off my troubles.

Thanks again everyone,

Tisha

"As Above, So Below"

#18 · Sep 05, 2002, 18:44 · nclkwrk

TISHA I HAVE FRIENDS WHO DON'T LIVE IN THE SAME STATE AS THEY'RE CHILDREN AND OBVIOUSLY DON'T SEE THEM AS MUCH. MY ADVICE IS SINCE IT IS A BIG DECISION TALK TO A LAWYER TO FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY CAN BE DONE WITH THE VISITING SITUATION OF YOUR DAUGHTER AND ALSO PLEASE.

THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE AND YOUR FUTURE THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY TO WORK THINGS OUT, I'VE LEARNED . IF YOU END UP NOT LIKING IT AS MUCH AS YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD MOVE BACK.

PS I LIVE IN MIAMI,FL AND YOU CAN'T BEAT THE WEATHER IN FL EXCEPT FOR THE HURRICANES http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/images/icon_Smile_wink.gif" border=0>